.Wednesday, August 17, 2011 ' 10:51 PM Y
Rant
so what's going on?
i dont know what's going on actually. my life now is actually just wake up, eat, study, study, rest awhile, study again & back to sleep. how times i have to go thru such hard times before i graduate & go to the real world and work. i've ask my mom to pass down her skills to me. i would rather do that job, seriously. im like the most relaxing person now, i dont have the sense of urgency (yet), i still have 2 days to my first paper, but i feel that my next paper is 2 years later. someone need to slap me. yes this post is about ranting. ranting all those things that i would rather keep it to myself. the reason why am i back to this place is, i know no one is looking anymore. so, this place is only for me, which im fine with it. in fact, its the best. i looked back to the previous post, & there's a sentence in my mind "why am i so dumb?" firstly, he's not hot, he's just (averagely) cute. not exactly cute actually. buttercup told me before that the person's personality will be shown on the face if that personality is very strong. to see his face now, i really feel like punching him. to think i like him before. many asked me not to like him, but i dont care, & went it my way. finally, i got hurt. i admit the feelings i gave in was true. but now, yes i never doubt that my feelings are true. what i meant was, im scared of my own feelings. i can change this fast. but then again, it's what he did, made me like this. of course, i still hold on to some hope that not all guys are like that. i still hope that there is a guy that would do anything just to do with me. the problem is, where is he? is he thinking the same thing as me? i need him now. (ha im talking as if i've already met him) okay anyway, this doesnt matter, i dont wanna think too much too. the most impt thing is my studies, my parents and my frens. if they're happy, im happy. (i hope this mentally would last) oh back to ranting. he did lots of stuffs for me before, after deep thinking, i realized that whatever he did, is just to make me fall for him. what a bitch. after so many stories i've heard... i really need to control myself when i see him. becoz im afraid that i would go up to him and slap him. blessing in disguise, so many ppl hate him. they are at my side (although not all know my story) im not gonna do anything that would spoil his reputation, but if there is any plan that would pull him down, i will be there, watching. i said before, i would tell him not to follow the group if he replied my text. but after thinking, why should i? he replied my text is because he wanna join the guys for my party, not replying because he still wanna be frens with me. i wont even be bothered with him. im glad that ive let go. the feeling is not there anymore. i doubt this is love. oh well, this make me a lonely girl again. i feel the "like", not the "love". it's okay, im not wanting it anyway. im trying to be contented with my life. compare for what? pointless isnt? imagine if i meet him in school, what would i do? say hi? or just ignore? i think ignore sounds better. if he text me? of course dont reply lah. reply for what? as i said, it's pointless. i officially end my friendship with him. i dont want to be related with him anymore. not because he doesnt reciprocate my love. yes i felt sad for him coz others are ostracizing him, but then again, he brought everything to himself. and whatever he did, i wouldnt accept a fren like that. using ppl? talking to so many girls & making each and everyone of them to fall for him? talking to ppl only when he feels like & when he needs their help? taking advantage of ppl when the other party doesnt know at all? no, i despise such ppl. i wouldnt even wanna talk to such ppl, makes me feel so cheap omg. no more, really, friends-no-more. i know myself, if i end one friendship, it's kinda hard for me to trust them again. although we were close, but then, i will only say hi ( at most) i wouldnt even talk any in-depth topics. why, why eunice? why would you like him? this guy shows that you dont fall for looks (which is quite good) but, you fall for his words? please, next time open your eyes bigger, you need a guy that could give you a sense of security, height is damn impt. you're short, doesnt mean the person you're finding have to be short too. looks also, you need somebody compatible lah come on. he is really cannot. those korean guys suits you more.but please, dont find somebody skinnier than you. i think i need to emigrate already haha. after 3 failed r/s, i kinda learnt that, if a guy likes you, he wuld do anything for you, just to be with you. so what am i gonna do? just wait, and be myself. ^^
.Tuesday, August 16, 2011 ' 5:18 AM Y
Heartstrings
I don't know what should I feel.
hi, im back to this little place. i guess no one will be looking, which is actually good. i dont want to be emo on twitter as i have to explain what's going on with my life. 90% of them are curious, 5% wants to know what's wrong with my life and laugh behind my back, only the last 5% are truly concerned. but, how am i supposed to judge who are in the 5%? i dont know. my life's a drama. the person i like, became the person that annoyed me the most. the person i thought that wont hurt me, hurt me the most. the person that i knew the longest, backstabbed me. ha, what type of life am i leading? i hardly post any essay on tumblr, coz i know people are looking. what for let them know what's wrong with my life & why am i like that? i'm officially 18, i've learnt that some things dont have let the whole world know, just keep it to yourself. im not gonna let ppl know the stuffs of my life, rather be a mysterious girl and lead a normal life. yet again, what's normal? to look back, i've trusted & fell for the wrong guy. isit a blessing in disguise? all these realization made me know him better, & let me know that he's not a good guy. i should thank God actually, for letting me what kind of person he is. luckily i let go of him. but haha, i was sad for him for quite a long period of time, which is quite stupid. i decided to unfriend him. he's out of my life, cant be bothered with what he did, because they disgusted me. & the friend that i knew the longest in the group, haha. how i know that she's like that? in fairytales, bad guys always would have this bad aura around them, you could easily see through their intentions & mind. but in real life? bad guys always have the best smile, which make you fall into their trap. so, teach me how to trust? or perhaps, teach me how to spot for bad guys? oh well, everyone is busy with their lives, how isit possible for them to save me from all this shit that im facing. i think im a good actress, everyone seems to believe that i'm really happy everyday. im not saying that im not happy. the best way to cheer myself up is to cheer somebody up. when i cheer somebody up & managed to make them smile, i found myself smiling. you may say this is a numbing process, i start to believe that im happy. the 2 ppgs are actually more happy than me. one is attached, one have suitors. but somehow they are more sad than me. why? they are not contented. making them smile is somehow my job everyday. i have to say it can be quite tiring sometimes. because when im down, i still have to do my job and make them smile. i dont know what am i doing with my life. im trying to be contented with my life. i need to be. i cannot let ppl pull me down. i cannot let anyone ruin my life. no more. how am i supposed to do that? easy, guard my own heart. simple yet difficult to do so. 18 is a age to party. so im just gonna party thru my year. what's love? i dont know. i have trusting issues . in fact i have lots of issues. and all such issues, i have to solve it myself. no one will be there for me. "nobody will care even you're feeling miserable, so might as well hide all those emotions & be happy." so many things have taught me not to trust easily. those who are in my life, how long are you gonna stay? tell me when you're leaving, give me some time to get use to it. actually im used to it. sad to say, what's new? friends backstabbed, betrayed by the person you like/love, what else? my life is a drama, & in the end of the day, i only have myself. i only can depend on myself. every life lesson taught me not to trust, they taught me that i can only trust myself. i will only trust myself, love myself, put myself in the first place of everything, do things that is in the best of my own interests, think of myself. why should i let someone ruin everything i have? why should i share my love and trust and faith? i'm just gonna be the "bitch" or "slut" ppl's saying. be a player? perhaps. im a changed person, no point calling me to turn back. no one would understand how i feel. for this 18 years, i have countless of dramas, i have countless of incidents to kill myself. who knows? you can relate, but not understand. "you rather feel some pain than nothing?" bullshit. "good things come to those who wait." rubbish. "you'll meet your true love soon" whatever. not gonna hope for all this things. for what? to make myself disappointed? i also want someone to be with me when im down. i also want someone to sweettalk me just to make me smile. i also want someone to always be there for me like what im doing. but, forget it. the person im waiting, is gonna be myself. i will comfort myself and give a pat on the shoulder when im sad. i will smile to the mirror so i can make myself smile. i will always be there for myself when i need to make any decisions. done. be strong, be firm. i can do it.
.Friday, April 22, 2011 ' 7:19 AM Y
Perfect Combo.It’s hard to sleep when deep down you’re hurting and nobody has a clue. You know it’s hard to sleep because you’re up thinking about what could’ve happened, what would’ve happened, and why things didn’t happen. You know it’s hard to sleep when your heart aches so bad that you’re willing to love that person through all the trouble and pain whether they’re aware of what you’re going through or not. And most of all, you know it’s hard to sleep because you’re wondering just when you’ll be okay again.
.Saturday, April 09, 2011 ' 6:05 AM Y
Tonight I over analyze everything. And it rips me apart more and more everyday. last week of holidays already! omg a blink of an eye, & 6 weeks have passed. to think back now, i've been spending all the time with my second family(u4f8) shopping, tea-time, chalet, baking, lunch & crapping. & the best thing is we totally enjoyed ourselves. i love such feelings, really. school's gonna reopen in a week time & i know that i wouldnt be able to meet them as frequent, but... we have facebook,twitter,viber & whatsoever stuffs to keep us tgt! everyone is going to year 2, think it's gonna be tougher than year 1. but for me? hahaha i'm always slacking till exams. perhaps i should not be that slack in the new year~for this new sem, i'm totally in a different environment. gonna have a different classmates & friends. i hope everything would go fine *pray hard* die, i'm already thinking when is the next holiday! is at june 12, oppps i've checked the date already. sighhhhh. i keep thinking today is sunday, which is saturday. hahaha i like such feelings too, LOST TRACK OF TIME. okay i need to screw back my body clock. i want to go to school with nice clothings & nice complexion & nice skin. continue to watch my show & try to sleep at 12am? OKAY LETS GO.
.Saturday, March 26, 2011 ' 7:57 AM Y
Be with me?Time can heal a broken heart or it can break a waiting heart.boring day. i didnt sleep a wink last night. went out at 7plus to fetch the rest to go to pray grandpa. went back at 10plus, & was on the car for almost 2 hours. reached home at 2 plus & i watched tv. cant sleep at all,sigh. now is 1120, i dont feel sleepy at all. omg what is happening to me? i know that as compared to those people in the area of earthquake, my life is
really lucky. but if i dont compare with any others, my life really...cmi. i've been at home this few days, a good time to think.
result sucks, family sucks, i dont know where my friends go, i've got no job, no goals or dream, no income, cant give a helping hand to those needy...just sucks. why is there so many drama in my life? i thot 2011 would be a good year..nah, the first day of 2011 also sucks :/ to think back, for the past 3 months, there isnt any happy moments sia.
wa, seriously fail. it's not that i never tried to be happy or be the first one to take action. in fact, i did more than once. i told myself that i can do it, be positive, if determined sure can make it one, dont think about negative stuffs, or not it wont happen at all. but still, everything is falling down. what this means? i was wrong to carry some hope in me?
perhaps. Maybe it doesn’t really matter if you wear your heart on your sleeve or if you guard it with all your might because in the end, everyone’s gonna get hurt. i've already tried my best. there is nothing more i can do, but wait. but look up there. "time can heal a broken heart or it can break a waiting heart." Sometimes I feel like I’m mentally going to explode, and there’s just nothing I can do about it.
i hate that i take things so seriously, & littlest of things annoys me. i hate that i pay so much attention to things i shouldnt & ignore the things that mean the most to me. come on, i deserve more than empty words & promises. you know what, when I saw your name light up my phone, and i swear to you, my heart started pounding really hard. but, sometimes what you want isnt always what you get.
hahaha see, I told you you’d give up on me. i cant believe how happy i am one day, then the next something happens & i'm suddenly down, stressed & drained, all at the same time.
i do miss you, but i'm trying not to care anymore. Sometimes the things you want the most don’t happen and what you least expect happens. I don’t know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet that one person and your life is changed. the most painful goodbyes are the ones left unsaid, but the heart already know it's over.
it's funny that i think about "us" alot, even when "us" doesnt exist at all. There are things that we don’t want to happen, but have to accept. Things we don’t want to know, but have to learn and people we can’t live without but have to let go.Sometimes you just have to cry, let it go, shake it off, then move onto a new fresh start.
I’m not happy, I’m cheerful. There’s a difference. A happy woman has no cares at all. A cheerful woman has cares but has learned how to deal with them.
Just because you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there. the people who want to stay in your life will always find their way themselves.
i wish you would want to talk to me as much as i want to talk to you. sigh, i miss going to bed with absolutely nothing in my mind. great failure, i always fall for people i never can have.
It’s an endless cycle, one guy tears your world apart and another comes along and fixes it. well, i can get over this, since it's the third time already, i'm familiar with this feeling.
.Friday, March 25, 2011 ' 6:28 AM Y
FamilySometimes when people stop caring, you just need to accept it and stop trying.i totally lost my respect to you. i still have to depend on the weather i am able to go to pray my own grandfather? if it's sunny, it's my mom who can go, if it's rainy, i'm going. 3 of us still have to stress how to sit in the car because we have to squeeze 6-7 ppl in one 5-seater can. eh mind you, you have a car right? you can ask your husband to drive right? we bloodyhell have to squeeze & vote who can go to pray just because of your selfishness. just because that your daughters arent going, so you dont wanna drive. FYL SERIOUSLY. you want an old woman to squeeze with 5 ppl for a half-an-hour ride? she's my grandma, your mom. cant you be a little considerate? i know, you dont even treat me as your niece since young, you're biased since the youngest one is born. my mom told me everything you said before. eh hello, i'm your niece, not an adopted child. what can you do except for boasting about your freaking branded bags? they're not nice at all. what prada, vuitton, gucci. come on, be practical. you have difficulties in life already, you have not enough money. & yet you wanna spent half of your asset to buy an ugly green prada? my dad, your brother, have always love you since young. do you ever think of him? my mom, your sister-in-law, gave you lots of beauty products for free for the past 20 years,you know how much she could earn from you? more than the price of yur dream bag Hermes. you wanna be practical right, why should i be kind to you? going overseas as a family is always your mom's dream. your mom's favourite child is your brother, my dad. but before booking tickets, did you even ask our opinions? i was having exams at the period of time, my parents aint free, did you ask? NO. you totally just went to the company & booked tix for 8. the whole family went, except the 3 of us. after you guys come back, your mom asked, why i couldnt go, i said i was having exams. you turned & said,"really? if i knew i would postpone the whole trip!" what an act, you didnt even ask, how would you know!? the older i am, the more ugly sides i've seen. you are one of the ugliest person i've ever seen. whenever my friends said about their family, i feel nothing but envious. i have a family members who are money-minded, biased, selfish.grandma?she always love the youngest one the most. aunts, their own child & each other daughters. next time when others ask me how many ppl are there in my family tree, i would say : 3person. my parents & me. every family dinner, we will be fighting over something. reunion dinner, we will be comparing about something. whats the point then? sorry i lost every single bit of respect to you. you are still my elder, i wouldnt say that "if i have a chance, i would slap you up down left right" such stuffs. but dont expect me to talk to you or even call you. i would not need your help even i'm in trouble. i would not depend on my so-called family. i rather depend on my friends. no friends? fine i have myself.i dont believe that i cant live in the world alone. even after my parents are up at heaven, i would not ever recognise you as my dad's sister. you are another outsider to me now, even my friends are closer to me than you. i'm rude? this is what you get for treating my parents badly, from me. i'm ashamed, for having the same surname as you. i'm ashamed for my dad, for having such a sister. i'm ashamed for your mom, for teaching you to be a money-minded & biased. what a family i have. we only have 11 ppl, but then, i felt that i only have 2 with me. my parents. you say you want to move back to AMK right, go ahead. i wont go your punggol house ever again. sorry, i dont even wanna see you. i rather spend some money on cab than squeezing in the car with you. i rather eat alone than eating with the family. i rather go out with my frens than having some retarded family gathering. i rather be at home watching some stupid shows & eat cup noodles than eating reunion dinner with the family. i rather stay at home & sleep my day off rather than going to the house & see those faces that i would have the rush to slap. family? what is it? is it something that could be eaten?
.Thursday, March 17, 2011 ' 10:03 AM Y
IncertitudeGirls, just cause it seems like a guy likes you, doesn’t mean he does.hi. summarize everything up okay - met ah li, went to bugis starbucks & wait for yeong, headed to bugis street, ate wo ai tai mei, walked around aimlessly, walked back to bugis junction, took cab to timbre, chilled & chatted, walked around singapore river & took train home. photos gonna be on fb(:
there was a moment where i really wanted to scold it out, but to think again, why should i? Rmb this, i was there for you, but you pushed me away. i'm not gonna be there to pull you back anymore, this is the last time. i thought you were different, but then 2 months later, i'm enduring the same shit again. i'm such a big fool, gonna fall for the third time. third bloody time. enough is enough. i'm too tired & have no strength to continue. now is time to face the truth, i'll never be with you.
